What’s the Baggage Limit on Mid-Life Flights?

By Susan Dunn

“Baggage!?” my friend Claude said to me. “She called the woman I once loved ‘baggage’. This is my life. It’s part of me.”

Dating at mid-life has special challenges. One of them is how much baggage is allowed on the flight!

We don’t use the term “baggage” to apply to happy events and positive emotions. It refers to those things that weigh us down and keep us from being emotionally available for a new commitment, like former marriages, but also other adversities and problems.

“How can a person go through this,” you may be thinking as you listen to your date begin to open up, “and still be sane?” You wonder how resilient he is, how damaged, how available for new love.

Dating at mid-life will quickly rid you of fantasies that anyone out there has had a perfect life, or a life free of problems.

So how do you separate "baggage" from "too much baggage"

• “Carry-ons” are okay. They’re part of a long, full life.
• “Weigh it” when the bags might be over the limit. Look it over, give it time, remain open.
• “Chuck it!” Massive baggage definitely over-the-limit that jeopardizes your safety. Bless this person and release the relationship. You can have sympathy for them, but you can’t be a therapist and a lover.

Here are some general guidelines:

1. FORMER SPOUSE (DIVORCE).

• Carry on: The conversation touches lightly on the former spouse occasionally, or he occasionally compares you positively with the former spouse. Signs of forgiveness, resolution and availability are being at peace with oneself, and having goodwill toward the ex.
• Weigh it: The conversation returns to the former spouse more than you’d like, he’s compared you negatively to her more than once, or has occasional negative comments about marriage. When he talks about it, there’s more sadness than anger, indicating he’s saying “good bye” to her emotionally, as he tells you “hello.” Watch for the ambivalence to subside.
• Chuck it: She's obsessed with him, with high levels of anger. You see no progress. Hating is as deep an emotional investment as love, and allows no room for a new relationship.

2. FORMER SPOUSE (DECEASED).

• Carry on: She talks lovingly about her deceased husband, occasionally crying on your shoulder and sharing memories, but has accepted his death, doesn’t idealize him, and talks about you and the future. She’s “decathecting” – moving her emotions from him, to you, and you can feel it.
• Weigh it: He expresses grief, but has negative feelings about marriage, or has compared you negatively to her more than once. He continues to bring it up when you’re with others. He sometimes expresses anger, or takes the victim position. He appears to be getting emotionally involved with you, but there is ambivalence.
• Chuck It: She is not investing in you emotionally, but is using her time with you to grieve. There’s no talk about a future with you and no energy for it; she’s lost in the past.

3. DEATH OF A CHILD.

• Carry on: Some time has passed. She mentions the child occasionally, especially on important anniversaries, and is able to talk about it without breaking down. She shares mostly with you and loves ones; not all the time with everyone. Talks more about her surviving children. Has reached acceptance and resignation. Is investing in you emotionally. Has taken on new interests with enthusiasm and energy, enjoying her life again.
• Weigh It: He’s still working it through, but isn’t obsessed with it. Anger and blaming have subsided. He’s beginning to talk as much about his surviving children. His periods of being emotionally unavailable are shorter and less intense, and he experiences some pleasure in life.
• Chuck it: She won’t talk about it and is shut down, or obsessed; in either case, not emotionally available. Shock and anger are early stages of grief. Not everyone recovers from this and dares to love again.

4. PROBLEMS WITH CHILDREN (DIVORCE).

• Carry on: He knows there are problems, and is working on solution, taking action. Fully invested in you, talks about it, intends to heal the wounds.
• Weigh it: Still angry at former spouse and blaming. Sometimes approaches solutions to healing the wound. Appears to be recuping and to have more energy for this. Is slowing becoming less pessimistic. Reaching out to kids.
• Chuck it: Lots of anger at former husband, resigned that relationship with children isn’t possible. Can’t ‘hear’ alternatives, won’t try, is cynical and bitter. Refuses to talk about it, but it’s eating her up.

5. BANKRUPTCY, DEBT, LOSS OF RETIREMENT, BUSINESS FAILURE.

• Carry on: Not a pattern. She’s resilient; actively seeking solutions. Not acting the victim or accepting permanent defeat. No shame and blame. Past financial situation has been stable.
• Weigh it: You discover more than one instance. He’s talking about trying again and shows insight and increasing energy but hasn’t taken action. History reveals he’s neither a quitter nor irresponsible. He talks about it without shaming and blaming. Watch for signs of recovery. Taking positive action is a good sign. Passive pessimism is a bad sign.
• Chuck it: Serial incidents. No concern. Trying to borrow money from you. Running up bills with no efforts to become viable again. Cynical, pessimistic, clinically depressed, suicidal, abusing substances.

6. PHYSICAL PROBLEMS (i.e., fibromylagia, bypass, degenerative arthritis).

• Carry on: Practices good health. Is optimistic about the future. Takes the condition seriously and takes what action she can to minimize its effects or heal it.
• Weigh it: Past history of moderately bad habits, but realizes importance of new regime and willing to change. Remains resilient and has good Emotional Intelligence. Knows what he needs to do. Wait, look for positive action. “Willing” is not the same as “doing”.
• Chuck it: Past abuse, continuing abuse, no learning. Disregarding doctor’s instructions. Minimalizing, catastrophizing or denial. Failure to give up bad habits and adopt healthy ones. Cynical, bitter, pessimistic, unwilling to take possible action.

7. SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

• Carry on: Responds to Viagra and/or growing emotional intimacy. Has insight and wants good sexual relationship. It’s related to anxieties/adjustment to your relationship, not former ones or physical problems. He takes it in stride.
• Weigh it: Says it’s related more to newness of relationship than to past experiences. If it’s physical, she’s willing to consider remedies such as HRT. It’s getting better, not worse. She shows insight and is invested in making a good sexual adjustment with you.
• Chuck it: Long-term pattern or history that will become your problem quickly if you stick around. Past infidelities. Past history of ability to perform with “mistress” but not wife. Irreversible physical problem. Doesn’t respond to Viagra.

8. IN RECOVERY.

• Carry on: Many years of abstinence, insight, good EQ skills, good health, doesn’t define himself primarily as “in recovery,” has more friends outside AA than in, has strong interests and hobbies, hasn’t transferred addiction to something like workaholism, isn’t a “dry” alcoholic. Understands its “daily”.
• Weigh it: Defines herself as “in recovery,” has more friends in AA than outside AA, short period of abstinence or longer abstinence with history of only brief and infrequent relapses (and none recently), occasionally engages in denial but catches herself, shows good insight, has developed a healthy pseudo-addictive behavior such as jogging, has good EQ skills, understands it’s “daily”.
• Chuck it: Lying, manipulation, denial, secrets. Unexplained periods of absence. Emotionally unavailable. Strange phone calls. Active abuse. Adoption of another detrimental addiction, such as morbid obesity.

Keep in mind that factors such as the person’s resilience, optimism and Emotional Intelligence influence how they respond to problems. Also, if the person’s on a fulcrum, you could help tip the balance.

If you’re “weighing it,” look for change and the direction of the change. For best results, look (with your heart) at how the person is, not what’s happened in their life. Like a broken bone, they can heal stronger than they were before.

After all, we aren’t looking for someone perfect, we’re looking for someone who’s resilient in the face of adversity (because there may be more), and someone we can have a good relationship with!

About the Author:

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, www.susandunn.cc. Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. Featuring EQ Alive! Coach Certification Program - fast, affordable, no-residency, training coaches worldwide. Email sdunn@susandunn.cc for more information, free ezine.